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This shiplap is killing me. I’m in a long- term, heterosexual relationship. That means a few things. One, it means that I’ve had to learn that there is some truth to all of the clich. I always thought that women came equipped with two front- facing eyes. I was wrong, and must guard my mate against accidentally falling ass- first into the porcelain abyss. Two, it means that my house smells dramatically better than it would if I were a 4.

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Our house has more candles than a Hanukkah supply store. When you enter my home, it smells of cinnamon, the “ocean” (not the actual ocean, which smells like fish. I don’t think anyone knows. I think a man in marketing put some made- up words on the label, and the men in the meeting were too embarrassed to admit they didn’t know what they meant. Candle marketer: We made sure you could really smell the jojoba coming through. Plus, if we ever need to warn the Minutemen of the Redcoats’ impending landing, we’re stocked and ready. Third, it means that if a show involves flipping, buying, or renovating a house, seeking a house in this country or any other, buying or constructing a tiny house, loving it, listing it, or two twin brothers or a sickeningly happy couple from Waco doing any of the above, I’ve probably seen it.

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It’s not because I want to see these shows, mind you. It’s because my partner likes these shows (and apparently, so do many other women, given the advertising rotation of these networks). Also, she doesn’t like my choices for our viewing pleasure: MSNBC and Family Guy on endless repeat. For my partner, that has the appeal of falling helplessly into the toilet while the house smells like Right Guard, pizza and beer.

Having seen a disproportionate number of episodes of Tiny International House Flipping Property Fixer Upper Brothers vis- . On a blog that 1.

Takes a long sip of peppermint schnapps from an oversized coffee cup. Exhales a sigh and presses forward, knowing the best comedy comes from dark places. There’s hardwood under every carpet. Every show, every time, they pull back some sea foam green shag carpet and say something to the effect of, “let’s see, we might get lucky and! Trolls (2016) Streaming.

There are beautiful original hardwood floors under this carpet!”Bull. Shit. There is not beautiful original hardwood flooring under every carpet in America. If the original owners had wall- to- wall hardwoods, I doubt they said, “You know, these expensive, natural hardwoods look a little too beautiful. And they don’t soak up wine or dog urine well at all. We need some carpet to bring the value of this place down a few bucks, and fast.”Just once, I’d like them to pull up the carpet and find that it’s just dirt. As in there’s no slab. The original contractors just built a yurt in the shape of a house.“Wanna know why you got this house at such a great price?

You got the . Enjoy your yurt.”2. Everyone loves to have people over and to entertain! Maybe it’s just me, but I like to have people over approximately once or twice a year, tops. Allow me to translate, for the non- committed- relationship set: My girlfriend likes to have people over four to five times a year, and I would be content to sit in my underwear and eat hot Cheetos and Takis while watching MSNBC. But if I did that, it would result in me becoming single.

So, we compromise: I wear pants, and people come over occasionally. But every couple on these shows has to make mention of the fact that they LOVE to entertain. They LOVE to have people over, and this open concept living room and kitchen is just PERFECT for entertaining! And if there isn’t already an open concept, you can bet that they are going to just knock down that wall and really open it up.

I mean really. Really open it up. As opposed to just kind of opening it up. Maybe that’s just me. But I don’t think so.

I know a lot of you, and most of you hate people, too. Don’t lie. 3. Every woman wants a giant closet for her shoes.

Women, you should get annoyed at this. These shows play to stereotypes. Should I also assume that you are an editor at a New York fashion magazine?

But the male version is just as bad: 4. Every man wants a man cave, at least according to the woman. Usually, the woman will make some comment about how, “oh, and this could be your man cave!” when they get to some “bonus room” or basement or something.

Then, they all do that knowing giggle thing.“Yep, I do love to have room for me and my other male friends to get together and shoot the breeze about how awful our wives are. But it’s okay, because we’re downstairs and surrounded by wood paneling.”I don’t necessarily object to having a special room where I can watch football and drink beer. But because I’m not subservient to my partner, I call that special room MY ENTIRE HOUSE. Plus she likes football and beer, so there’s that. Might wanna look into upgrading that part of your relationship before you launch into a full- scale home renovation.

By the way, what the hell is a bonus room? You’re buying the house, and you’ve undoubtedly walked through it once or twice. The room is not a surprise. It’s not like you’re going to open a closet door and it turns out it’s an entrance to Narnia. The woman is in charge in every family. I get it. There is a certain amount of deference that chivalry demands.

God gave me more natural strength and broader shoulders, but as the poem goes, “the female of the species is more deadly than the male.”God coupled those realities about me with a demeanor that genuinely does not care what color we paint the walls of the bonus Narnia. So, if my lady wants to take the lead, (a) she’s equally (much more) capable as I am to do so, and (b) she likely has an opinion (and a strong one) on the matter, and I have zero fucks to give about such topics.

The audience is mostly female, and it makes sense that they’d play up the “men are bumbling oafs, women save the day” trope here. But in reverse, I wouldn’t joke about how I’m in charge and the little woman better have dinner on the table by the time I get home. Namely, because my partner would stab me in the face with a pencil. I also have respect for her, so I’m not going to pretend like I’m in charge and make her look meek on national TV. Here’s the mind- blowing, unfunny truth.

Women, when you laugh at this dated trope, you’re supporting the underlying structure that makes “woman in charge” be a trope in the first place, and not just a possible alignment of how a relationship works. Does that blow your mind? It should. BAM. Every couple has way more money than anyone would realistically have at their age. Okay, we’ve all seen the meme about this one. He’s a 2. 7- year- old dog doula, and she’s a 2.

Fuck you. That’s really it. Just fuck you very much. Tiny home buyers always push to get more space. What did they think a tiny home was? It’s in the name. You could hug it between Fox and Friends and a rerun of Duck Dynasty. Advertise for converting your paper money to gold and Life Alert.

Waco is paradise, apparently. According to Chip and Jo, the little shire of Waco is a slice of heaven, where ex- fraternity and sorority members from Baylor join megachurches and have kids with names like Shepherd and Cooper and Flannel. Where everyone drives a Suburban while sipping coffee from their Yeti or RTIC tumbler. Where your Labrador retriever can frolic with your neighbor’s Labrador retriever, while you both knowingly blame Donald Trump’s struggles on Obama. I’ve been to Waco. It reminds me of the time I had a colonoscopy: weird and unpleasant, until I was “medicated” enough to stop caring.

They are right, there are plenty of opportunities to live out your 2. Texas fraternity boy dreams. Chances are, you’ll find a couple that looks just like you, drives a Tahoe just like yours, who thinks school vouchers are the solution to our education problems just like you do. You can all chat about it at one of the 7,0. Baptist churches in town. Oh, and if you’re looking for diversity, be warned: Jo is one of only three Asian people in Waco. Number 2 is her mother.