The Full Fifty Shades Of Black (2016) Movie

Fifty Shades of Black.

Impish. Idea: Fifty Shades Trilogy Review. Fifty Shades Trilogy Review. As you may know, I sporked the first book, Fifty Shades of Grey. I stopped after the first book, not because the series broke me, but because there was really nothing left to write about.

A sporking is constrained by the source material, and with material as repetitive and boring as Fifty Shades it’s bound to get dull. Still, I wanted to review the series as a whole to delve into the mind- boggling excruciating badness that is Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker, and Fifty Shades Freed. Let’s begin! I think there’s one question on everyone’s mind, and that is how the abomination that is the Fifty Shades trilogy got to be so popular? Everyone and their mother is reading it, although even the book’s fans admit it’s a crock of shit.

It’s sold an astonishing 4. It’s amusing that it outsold another series on one website in one country, but it’s not like it’s outselling Harry Potter. I admit. Harry Potter sold 4. Let me know when you’ve sold another 4. James, and I might give a shit. That being said, there are three contributing factors to Fifty Shades’ surprising success: 1. Everyone likes porn.

This one is simple. People like sex. Men and woman consume it in very different mediums, but it’s one of the most basic, fundamental drives within humans. Fifty Shades of Grey is porn, plain and simple, and it’s a rather unique kind of porn for a lot of people.

It follows the Twilight model. Twilight, which has sold about 1.

It found its niche by creating a bland, characterless heroine so readers could insert themselves into the story, added an incredibly handsome idealistic man (with a dark side!), threw in a twist (vampires!) and started counting the money. Fifty Shades of Grey is Twilight fan fiction, and it had a built- in audience of every sexually frustrated fan of the Twilight series who desperately wanted Bella and Edward to just take their clothes off and fuck. It’s uncracked The Da Vinci Code. The Da Vinci Code is similar to Fifty Shades of Grey in that they’re both poorly written, they’re both somewhat controversial, and they both sold more copies than anyone would consider reasonable.

The last reason is due to, in part, self- fulfilling prophecy. At a certain point, something is so popular that everyone keeps hearing about it. This causes other people to go out and purchase it. Regardless of whether these individuals enjoy it, it keeps up sales, which keeps it at the top of the bestseller lists, which keeps it in the public consciousness, which drives more sales. I personally kept hearing people blather on about Fifty Shades of Grey until I finally I went out and bought a copy to see what all the fuss was about.

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1. Directed by Michael Tiddes. With Marlon Wayans, Kali Hawk, Fred Willard, Mike Epps. An inexperienced college student meets a wealthy businessman whose sexual.
2. Jia Tolentino on submitting to the punishment of "Fifty Shades Darker," the B.D.S.M.

But don’t take my word for it. Go check out all the 1- star reviews on Amazon that talk about how they decided to buy it due to all the hype only to discover it was a poorly written crock of shit. Sure, it’s a negative review, but they’re not hurting James’ sales. Plagiarism. This book is fanfiction, and therefore plagiarism. Nothing would make me happier than to see E.

L. James and company be hit with a huge multi- million dollar lawsuit for ripping off the Twilight series. Unfortunately, if it hasn’t happened by now, it’s unlikely that it will ever happen. Still: this is fundamentally plagiarism. James is profiting off the work of another writer. Sure, the book is no longer explicitly about Edward Cullen and Bella Swan having kinky vampire sex, but the characters are essentially the same. This story came into life as Twilight fanfiction. James and her publishers claim that the original fanfic, titled “Masters of the Universe,” was substantially rewritten into the Fifty Shades trilogy, and that they were “two distinctly separate pieces of work.” This is bullshit.

If you write fan fiction and then change the names around to make it unique, it’s still fan fiction, still a knockoff, and you’re still a shitty writer who can’t come up with your own characters and locations. I wanted to find out exactly how different the two stories were, and happily, someone had already done the work for me. Please do read the linked article, but if you’d rather not, let me sum it up. They ran the two manuscripts through several comparison engines. According to Turninit (a program designed to catch plagiarism), the two works were 8. EIGHTY- NINEFUCKINGPERCENT. That’s the difference between changing all the names, removing the vampire references, and a very light edit.

E L James, you are a disgusting sack of shit. But, that being said, let’s really delve into the wonder of Fifty Shades and why it’s one of the worst- written books of the last hundred years. The Length. Much of the criticism leveled against the Twilight series is that nothing ever fucking happens. Fifty Shades makes Twilight seem like the most action- packed novel since The Princess Bride. And, despite there being absolutely no plot whatsoever, the series is excruciatingly long. Case in point: the four Twilight books total about 5.

Fifty Shades books are 6. The Repetition. Unsurprisingly for someone who has only ever written fan fiction, James is a terrible writer. In a series that is already incredibly repetitive, James feels the need to describe things the exact same way every fucking time. Example: her much- derided “inner goddess” bits, which are a rather clever idea in the same way that Hitler’s invasion of Russia was a clever idea. For the uninitiated, it’s basically the thoughts of Ana’s sluttier subconscious. They include such gems as “My inner goddess bounces up and down like a small child waiting for ice cream” and “My inner goddess jerks away suddenly, all disheveled with a just- fucked look” and “My inner goddess is bouncing about like a five- year- old.” It’s simultaneously creepily disturbing and stupid. The first time you ask yourself “The fuck is this?” The second time is mildly amusing, and by the third time you’re done with it.

Unfortunately, this inner goddess nonsense is used 1. One hundred and fifty fucking times. Still, maybe some readers found the repetition of the inner goddess parts to be amusing. It doesn’t stop there. For example, throughout the first couple of books Christian and Ana use condoms. Nothing wrong with safe sex, right? It’s described the exact same way all 3.

Now, a discerning reader might ask why she needs to describe the condoms at all? Who gives a fuck, there’s nothing sexy or interesting about the act of putting on a condom. At the very least, couldn’t you mix it up a bit? Something like “He slides the condom down his Jack Johnson and dives into me like Michael Phelps doing the 1. Ana has a couple favorite phrases – variations of the word .

Christian doesn’t really have a catchphrase besides “Laters, baby” which I would expect to find in an adolescent’s text message history instead of an erotic romance fanfic. Still, it’s used 2.

Like most shitty authors, James has an aversion to the word “said.” You see, any writer worth his or her salt will tell you to use “said” as a dialogue tag almost all the time. The reason is simple: dialogue should stand on its own and if you know what you’re doing the reader will be able to pick up on how the character is saying it.

There are exceptions, certainly, but “said” should be used around 9. Christian (and Ana, to a much lesser extent) are very fond of murmuring, doing it an astonishing 7. They also whisper 8. They also like smirking (2.

Lastly, some special mention should be made of the title. Most authors don’t include the title of their books inside the book itself unless it makes sense in context. Christian frequently refers to himself as being “fifty shades of fucked up,” which sounds retarded, and Ana uses “Fifty” as a nickname for him, even though it’s stupid and doesn’t make sense in context. Honestly, how often do people use “fifty shades” in casual conversation unless it’s to describe shitty erotica? At any rate, it’s used 6.

The Setting. EL James is a middle- aged British woman.